screw you, Clomid, screw you!

Dear Clomid,

I know we have quite a history together, but I have to let you know that it's over. Forever. I know I've said that before, but this time I mean it. No take backs. All you bring me is uncomfortable side effects and then fail to deliver on the promises you made. While I understand that you do make me hot and bothered, your lack of follow-through is inexcusable. We've been set-up numerous times by my doctor, but I will be informing her that we can't be together any longer. I hope that you understand that it's you and not me that is causing this break-up. Hope you have fun stimulating some other girl's ovaries because you will never see mine again.

Thanks for understanding~

Don't Leave Me Alone with the OPK!

Sorry for neglecting to post RE: last months negative results.  By the time I got the news I was en route to a visit home then onto festivities elsewhere.  Anyway, new month, new year (almost)....that sounds positive. I am trying clomid this cycle.  It's been almost a year since the last time I tried it.  Since my cycle this month was 36 days and the cycle the month before was 32 days, the gyn said it would be beneficial to try clomid again.  If I had never tried clomid before I would probably have sky high hopes for this cycle, but I think my expectations are realistically optimistic.  I think husband's numbers were not good when I tried clomid before, so I guess the combination of factors is different this month than any other previous months.  However - isn't that always the case?  No two months are ever the same, the stars move, the weather patterns shift, our attitudes change, etc, etc, etc.
I have noticed a pattern in my blogging tendencies - I feel the desire to start writing when I break out the OPK.  I think I'm looking for some moral support around this time of the month.  I want to know that I'm utilizing, performing, and analyzing them properly, but the truth is there's no guarantee for that.  I just feel so unsure when I'm alone with an OPK, I want a second opinion.  I want to know that if I don't get the proper results that it wasn't entirely my fault.  I want a second opinion.  If someone offered a service when you leave a urine sample (or even blood sample) everyday around ovulation and they would predict the ovulation for you, I would totally subscribe!  Until then I guess it's just me and my OPK left to work it out by ourselves!

Stretch Armstrong

Yesterday I had some seriously stretchy CM, and there was an abundance of it!  This is super exciting for me as I still sort of consider myself ovulation challenged.  I texted husband to alert him of the almost certain impending ovulation.  His response - "How can you be a week off?"  If you remember based on last month's numbers I predicted ovulation around Thanksgiving  (day 15) which culminated in some (now needless) uncomfortable relations at the in-laws.  I thought that husband understood how difficult is for me to predict ovulation with my ovaries not being on a schedule *sigh*.  Oh well, maybe this will be the last month we have to worry about this tricky business called ovulation!  So let's reset the 2 week wait countdown to 14 days!

the cryptic ovulation predictor

I think next cycle instead of using an OPK I'll just head over to a psychic's.  It's not possible for that to be less accurate than an OPK and I wouldn't have to avoid drinking and hold my pee for 4 hours!    So while we were at the in-laws' for the holiday we did manage to stick to the "schedule".  So I don't think my lack of success with ovulation prediction really had a bearing on the results of this month, but it's still aggravating.  So here's how it went down:  I took a test on Wednesday (day 14 out of a potential 32 day cycle) and got a dark-ish line but not as dark at the test strip, Thursday/Thanksgiving I took one and got nothing...nada...no test line, no results line, just nothing.  I didn't have the time or inclination to attempt another one that day, Friday (day 16) I took one and it was super light compared to the test line.  So I am assuming if Thursday's would have "developed" it would have been positive, but we'll never know.  Since the only person I talk to about infuriating OPKs is hubby we had a 20 minute conversation about how maddening they are, on the way home.  I'm sure it wasn't his favorite topic, but he did a nice job of supporting me and how right I am and how wrong the ovulation strips are!  So like I said next month I'll take the usual $10 I would spend on an OPK and try to find a fertility psychic who will give me a reading :)

evolution of pregnancy test anticipation

I know that some girls (ok people) just love to mark things with their pee.  There are websites completely devoted to peeing on a stick.  However, when you are pregnancy challenged there's probably going to become a point when you dread the pee tests.  Not knowing that your body is malfunctioning / disappointing you is way worse than merely suspecting that it is.  When I was first trying to get pregnant I was SO excited to take a pregnancy test.  I laid it all out the night before, read the instructions 3 times and then set my alarm for an ungodly early hour.  It was like Christmas Eve!  I was giddy with anticipation.  I'm not quite to the point where I HATE taking pregnancy tests or flat out refuse to do and just wait for my period to show, but I'm well on my way.  The glamour of the pregnancy test has well worn off.  Even though I don't look forward to the pregnancy test, I still get hopefull in anticipation of a positive result and end up testing a few days before my expected period.  I spend endless hours calculating exactly which day I should take it versus the first day I could conceivably see a big fat plus sign.  I usually PLAN to take it the day my period should arrive but I inevitably break down and take it a couple days before.  However, the entire protocal for testing is completely different for OPKs.  You already know day you'll start and there's no point in checking early, it won't give you any hints about ovulation that is still days away.  I've done a few OPKs (2 with clomid and 1 time without) so clearly being as this is my fourth time doing it I'm by far not an expert.  The instructions say to limit drinking and hold my urine for 4 hours.  To the average human this seems like suffienct instructions.  But the ovulation deranged pregnancy hopeful female this is like a drop in the bucket and is basically open to interpretation.  Do I taper my fluid intake prior to the 4 hour urine holding?  Should I void right before I start my 4 hour stint?  Should I drink something right before the 4 hour hold so that I actually have something to pee on the stick?  There's so many possibilities it literally boggles my mind!  I've also heard girls say that you can buy the cheap OPKs that are just the strips and not all the plastic junk and that "work just the same".  In my rational mind I do believe that, I really do.  But here's my situation - on OPK rounds 1 and 2 I used the cheap strips (I LOVE to save a buck!) and this is when I was ON clomid.  Nothing, nada, zip, zilch in the ovulation indication, but I did have regular 29 day cycles, which does suggest that operation ovulation was a success.  Then OPK round 3 I bought some at the store (fancy name brand and all) and I used them along with the cheapies.  The expensive ones did give me a gorgeous angel's singing sun shining down spotlight kind of positive while the cheapies clearly still showed negative.  So I just don't trust them for me.  So today is the day that I start my OPK...wish me luck!

Off the Bench!

So we are finally ready to get back in the game!  The baby makin' game that is!  So I've had two surgeries, and had a regular cycle last month.  It took me a ridiculously long time to heal after the endometriosis (second) surgery, but it is what it is and I can't take it back, just had to wait it out and let my body heal.  I'm so excited that this morning I took the OPK box out of the closet (blew the dust off it) and put it on the counter.  I'm supposed to ovulate right around Thanksgiving.  This is both awesome and cringe-worthy.  Thanksgiving is husband's favorite holiday, so it would be exciting and memorable to ovulate with conception around or on that day.  On the other hand, we will be at the in-laws from Wednesday to Sunday.  I suggested we park the car somewhere and doing the deed high school style - maybe it's easier to conceive if you trick your uterus into thinking it's 17 and pregnancy would be the worst thing possible.  But then my 29 year old brain kicks in and says "But how are you going to lay still with your hips elevated for 20+ minutes in the back of the car in the freezing cold?".
The second thing I'm dealing with is prayer.  I have a novena that a friend gave me that her mother passed on to her and she swears it helped her conceive.  She TTC'd for a year and the month she did conceive she did the novena for the first time.  She gave it to me a long time ago and, in fact, I've done it for myself already a couple times (it didn't work).  However, I have prayed it for friends trying to conceive and it has a great success rate.  My main concern is that I'll involve other people (mostly my mom and sister and the friend that gave me the novena) and then won't end up pregnant.  It's not a shame issue, I just don't want other people to feel involved with what might end up being another failure.  I'm going to feel disappointed if we don't get pregnant this month (there's no way around that) but I'm pretty used to it.  I won't be too upset, I'll be excited if I have a regular cycle and AF comes for another stay.  I am involved with all my school stuff and if it's not THE month, I'll be ok with it.  What I'm less ok with is getting other people wrapped up in my drama, get them to hope that what they're doing is helping me, only to deliver another disappointment.  As my life stands right now, not a soul outside of my household will ask me "Are you pregnant?!" and I kind of like it that way, I hate delivering bad news and if I do get pregnant I want some time to plot an awesome way to deliver the blessed news.  Time is running out on the prayer circle creation so I better make a decision or the decision will be made for me.
Finally, I've been terrible about updating my blog so I am going to try to be better.  I started the blog with the intention of blogging about TTC and fertility, so I got off track when I was benched for 6 months.

Hersteroscopy Laparoscopy Septum Resection Chromotubation

Say that 5 times fast!  I had to!  Well not exactly but I had to say it twice on the day of my surgery.  They just wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting and that I was getting the right stuff done.  So that was almost a week ago.  My mom came up and stayed with us and took care of me while I recovered :)  It was so awesome to have her here.  And hubby was wonderful through the whole thing too.  He brought me flowers (2 bunches, not just the standard 1) on the day after, chocolates the following day, and then finally on Friday a gift certificate for a massage and mani pedi.  All in all I'd go through it again....actually I might just have to.  While the doctor was performing the laparoscopy he checks for endometriosis (and any other abnormalities).  I do have some endo (who doesn't?), but he said it's mild and not overly attached to my ovaries yet.  So I assume before we can go any further with fertility treatments I'm going to have to get that taken care of.  I'll find out more on Friday when I have my post-op apt aka "surgery rundown".  If I do have to have another laparoscopy it could be as early as a month from now.  I know you're probably asking yourself "Another lap?  Why didn't they take care of the endo at the first lap?"  And the answer is, while that was standard not too long ago, it's outdated.  The doctor uses specialized robotic equipment (at a different surgery location) to deal with the endo.  But even if I end up needing more surgery we are at least one step closer to our goal!

On the other side of the fertility front, my hubby's numbers that were sucky at best following his first semen analysis are now back up to a low normal range!  We've had him on some supplements to help improve the morphology and motility (the problem areas) and they seem to be working (or the first test was a fluke)!

sugar free (and mad as hell)

I'm really excited to be starting a blog!  It's just a place for me to put my thoughts and if no one reads it, hey that's ok, but hopefully I can meet some other "infertiles" in transition to "fertiles".  It seems like a lot of "infertility blogs" I find are authored by people that HAVE kids already.  I'm not trying to downplay their struggles (to get to where they are now or the feelings they continue to deal with), but I want to present the side of someone in the trenches constantly wondering if I'll ever get pregnant.

So knowing that we might be headed for IVF in August/September I am now seeing a nutritionist.  We've only met once, but she had a lot of encouraging things to say and immediately put me on a "candida clear" diet.  This is a fancy way of saying "You have a lot of yeast [infections] and we need to starve them out".  This diet has lots of allowed foods on it like "meats" (yay!) but then it also has a lot of not allowed foods like "most fruits" "any bread products" "all processed snacks" "anything with sugar in it" (ugh!).  I'm a pretty healthy eater, but no sugar (not even fruit) is killer!  Especially for my mood!  Hubby and I already had an "incident" last night (which I'd like to point out was DAY 1 of the new diet).  We've had girl scout cookies (peanut butter tagalongs, aka the GOOD kind) since like February in our pantry, remaining un-opened.  I'll give you one guess who opened them last night.  Then he had the misfortune audacity to joke that I couldn't kiss him until he brushed his teeth to ensure that no sugar would transfer from his lips to mine.  You're probably giggling about this...you've probably have had a sugary treat today. 
But if this will help me have a less hostile baby growing environment then I'm happy to do, happy, happy, happy, can't you tell?