the best kind of birthday present

So remember when I said we were taking a break (and no take backs)?  Idles threats such as that cannot stop me from calculating the ETA of ovulation.  Based on past months following a clomid month I have had a 29-30 day cycle.  This puts the big event on my birthday!  I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up or make any kind of expectations for what this month may hold, but I can't help but wonder if maybe it's a sign.  To further make my case the last day of the cycle would be on my nephew's baptism when my family would be mingling with my husband's family and so on and so on, my mind makes plans for the big WHAT IF!
I've made plans for how awesome it would be to announce we're pregnant to our families too many times to count.  Most recently Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Year's, then my birthday....  I feel powerless to stop this cycle of disappointment.  It seems that my rational thinking goes out the window (listen I was a math major I KNOW how to read trends).  I guess it's just a testament to how much I want a baby or how out of control my hormones are or most likely both!
My sister and I love the movie (animated film) Anastasia.  There's this quote by this bat name Bartok that think pretty much sums up what's about to happen -
You're on your own, sir! This can only end in tears! 

Pregnant Pause

We're on a pregnant pause.  This works on a number of levels.  First, we are pausing from getting pregnant.  Second, the pause is quite pregnant (as in big).  Finally, the pregnant pause is about 9 months.  So we will resume with the operation baby in the belly come October.  If we get do an IUI in October and (fingers crossed) it's successful, I will be due after I'm out of school.  I guess it makes sense, if you use your brain.  I'm trying really hard to use my brain, but the majority of me still wants to throw a tantrum and scream "I want a baby right now and October is forever away"!  I could get pregnant NOW and have a baby by then!  But I'm a team player in this marriage and I know it makes sense for us to wait on it, so I guess let's start the countdown at 279 days!

TV Land

So I watch this show "Parenthood", and let me just say - it's a GREAT show.  I'm totally obsessed with it.  It's in the 3rd season, so there's a ton of episodes for me to catch up on since I just started watching it.  I was watching the newest episode this morning and one character (Sarah) is 40ish and has 2 kids that she had a young age that are like 19 and 16 probably.  She is dating this younger guy and they babysit her brother's baby for a day together.  After the adventures in babysitting the younger guy said "I could totally see having a baby with you".  Being a woman, Sarah rushes off the gyn and wants to know if it's cool for her to start trying.  The doctor drops the BOMB on Sarah that they should run some tests to give her an idea if there's any issues and how difficult it might be to get pregnant.  Sarah is *shocked*.  My immediate thought was "She's going to be pregnant before me".  Now I realize she lives in TV land and for her to get knocked up someone just has to write it down and the deed is done, it's worked into the script.  I'm not sure why I take such offense to a fictional character potentially planning to get pregnant.  I guess I've crossed the threshold to bitter infertile.  I'm officially jealous of anyone that's pregnant.  It doesn't matter their story, I don't care if they did IVF 100 times, or it's their journey is peppered with land mines and heartbreak, or they are fictional characters on a TV show and they aren't ACTUALLY pregnant in real life.  Regardless of the circumstances I've become jealous and probably insensitive to all pregnant women (as in don't come to complaining to me about morning sickness because I'll leave you feeling like so guilty you even mentioned morning sickness or even had the audacity to get pregnant before me in the first place!).  I knew this day would come, the big question now is, will I ever go back to the land of "happy for the pregnant ladies"?  Will I ever say (and mean it) "she's got that pregnant glow, doesn't she look fab?" instead of "She looks like a house that's about to barf!".

Lyndsay and the giant peach (sized ovaries)

Just wanted to say Happy New Year from me and my giant peach sized ovaries to everyone!

Shit or get off the pot

I didn't hear this little gem until I was in college.  A friend just sort of tossed it into an everyday conversation.  I collapsed into a fit of giggles and have found numerous uses for it ever since.  Probably my favorite is to throw it at the driver in front of me as I encourage him or her (through tailgating) to go ahead and pass the car to their right (already!) as they continue to hang out in the blind spot, instead of passing.  Anyway, this is my way of saying that we are getting off the pot for a while.  All this baby drama is just too much for me on top of all the school stuff I have going on right now.  Could it be that I'm tiring of being such a fertility drama queen, you ask?  Idon'tthinkso!!!  Maybe I'm just ready for a little help (from say, a medical professional perhaps?).  So until we decide it's for realzies time to be knocked up like yesterday (or last year as the case may be) and put our money where our mouths are, I'm taking my hat out of the ring.  (I have a couple more expressions I wanted to throw in, but I think that's the expression to content ratio is already teetering dangerously high).  So 'nuff said, we're officially on a break.  If you're tempted to say something like "Oh it will definitely happen now that you've stopped thinking about it, that's how these things go" I will be forced to kindly remind you that I've tempted fate every way south of sunday and I'm still not knocked up, and we've already had several breaks in this AWESOME journey (hope you picked up the sarcasm right there, because I tried to lay it on pretty thick with the caps and all).  I will also remind you that I'm not a fertility drama queen by choice, we have legit issues!  And on that note I guess I have my response ready for the idiot /ill fated soul friend who throws this you'll be pregnant in no time bull shit at me :)

screw you, Clomid, screw you!

Dear Clomid,

I know we have quite a history together, but I have to let you know that it's over. Forever. I know I've said that before, but this time I mean it. No take backs. All you bring me is uncomfortable side effects and then fail to deliver on the promises you made. While I understand that you do make me hot and bothered, your lack of follow-through is inexcusable. We've been set-up numerous times by my doctor, but I will be informing her that we can't be together any longer. I hope that you understand that it's you and not me that is causing this break-up. Hope you have fun stimulating some other girl's ovaries because you will never see mine again.

Thanks for understanding~

Don't Leave Me Alone with the OPK!

Sorry for neglecting to post RE: last months negative results.  By the time I got the news I was en route to a visit home then onto festivities elsewhere.  Anyway, new month, new year (almost)....that sounds positive. I am trying clomid this cycle.  It's been almost a year since the last time I tried it.  Since my cycle this month was 36 days and the cycle the month before was 32 days, the gyn said it would be beneficial to try clomid again.  If I had never tried clomid before I would probably have sky high hopes for this cycle, but I think my expectations are realistically optimistic.  I think husband's numbers were not good when I tried clomid before, so I guess the combination of factors is different this month than any other previous months.  However - isn't that always the case?  No two months are ever the same, the stars move, the weather patterns shift, our attitudes change, etc, etc, etc.
I have noticed a pattern in my blogging tendencies - I feel the desire to start writing when I break out the OPK.  I think I'm looking for some moral support around this time of the month.  I want to know that I'm utilizing, performing, and analyzing them properly, but the truth is there's no guarantee for that.  I just feel so unsure when I'm alone with an OPK, I want a second opinion.  I want to know that if I don't get the proper results that it wasn't entirely my fault.  I want a second opinion.  If someone offered a service when you leave a urine sample (or even blood sample) everyday around ovulation and they would predict the ovulation for you, I would totally subscribe!  Until then I guess it's just me and my OPK left to work it out by ourselves!